The Story Behind the Brand
Kung Pao Cobra is the brainchild of celebutante Kevin Marie Byloos, the elder identical twin brother of Portland-based writer Matty Byloos. In order to understand the philosophy behind the brand of KPC, it’s imperative that one first understand the brain inside of Kevin Byloos.
It’s a remarkable thing, to be an identical twin. According to the NY Times, about one in thirty babies is born a twin, which is still pretty special. If one in every thirty Twinkies had a solid gold bar inside, we’d all be rich as hell, and you know what I mean. Kevin Marie Byloos is officially a twin brother, and that’s just the beginning, too. It seems that his mother did not realize she was pregnant with twin boys, and once Kevin was born, she was forced by doctors to remain in the hospital, due to apparent “complications.”
The “complications,” as it were, ended up being Kevin’s twin (and younger) brother Matty, born no less than seven days later, after the birth of his brother.
So where does that leave us? Well, in a word, it’s complicated. Sure, many of us know the pains of being a twin. You’re forever inextricably connected to another human being, who may, at times, actually know quite a bit more about you than you want anyone to. How you feel. What your next move is going to be in Connect Four. How you’ll do at Mini Golf. What animal you’ll choose on the carousel. If you’ll spell it dialog, or dialogue. Someone always knows too much.
But it’s worse than that.
There is, in fact, another human who may as well be your younger brother, rather than your twin brother. You’re just as much different, as you are the same. Every time you mention the simple fact of your birth to another person, you’re questioned at the very root of your existence. How is this supposed to make a person feel? Whole? Certainly not. That would be impossible. Or as Kevin would say it, “Unpossible.”
Doing It All for Your Swayze
It really doesn’t get much more clear than that. Since his very birth, Kevin Marie Byloos has been overshadowed by the very miracle, curious as it was, of his birth. Born seven days before his identical twin brother, he’s struggled to find his place in the world, to “brand” his existence, as it were, so that his time on the planet might stand somehow as unique. In some ways, it’s the most ordinary of stories — and one that each and every one of us can relate to. We’re born. We compose an identity based on what’s thrust on us, circumstantially. We try to make our mark. And so it is with Kevin. And so thus became Kung Pao Cobra.
Kevin currently spends most of his time on an egg farm just outside of Lima, Peru, some five thousand miles south of his brother, who resides in Portland. Communicating exclusively by fax machine, Kevin sends a daily missive to his more tech-savvy brother Matty, advising him on what to do via their various shared social media channels, what designs for t-shirts should be next, and how to color correct the images on the site picturing Kevin that you now behold.
And he humbly offers you his brand, Kung Pao Cobra. Take it and eat it, this is the body of Kevin, he says (only in his daily Fax, he somehow hashtags most of those words and or phrases, so it really looks like: #Brand #KungPaoCobra #Kevin #eatme #bodyofkevin #dude #eggfarm #Lima). For those of you who have only found marginal amounts of comfort in your existence, you have officially found your brand. For everyone on the planet looking to tell their story, Kevin presents to you — for you — Kung Pao Cobra.